~Roland ✧ Chapter V~
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Silently do I watch the flickering flame before me, dancing gently, soundless as myself—all the world shrouded in darkness, beyond this light most exquisite…
With great effort I attempt to focus upon it alone, contemplate its meaning; yet, the prickly pains of hunger yet distract me, and I grimace with deep shame. By now, fasting should be a simple and natural affair: it is done always once a week, and often more… But, ardently though I travail and chant my prayers aplenty, and feast upon the sustenance of the soul—still doth my mind desire the sustenance of the flesh. I wonder why My Lady ever wished to save me, when I am little better than a fly…
Suddenly, my silence is broken by a great knocking.
“Brother, are you there?”
I jump subtly, and then deeply sigh.
“Yes…”
No later than the word leaveth my lips doth the door open, light from without pouring in, broken by the tall, spindly shadow of Etsuo.
“What are you—” he begins, and then gasps. “Oh…yes, that is right, you are—”
“Meditating,” I sigh. “At least, that is the idea.”
“Of course,” he replieth dejectedly. “Need you solitude?”
I sit for a moment longer, staring at the flame…and then, with resignation, blow it out, preserving the wax for another time.
“I must admit,” I say as I arise, and sit upon the disgustingly decadent bed to my side, “My concentration is most poor today, so I suppose I may rest for a moment.”
As I now look upon him, do I notice he is dressed very queerly—or perhaps, rather, less queerly, which giveth the opposite impression. Rather than his impressive Folwêšiân robes, he is now is adorned in a simple tunic of green and a plain belt of leather, and a simple woolen cap like those of peasants, which appeareth rather undignified especially upon him.
“What is this?” I ask with a wave of mine hand.
“Well, you see…” says he, gazing away and shuffling in place with palpable nervousness, “Today an excursion to Solzédniê was planned…”
“Then why are you wearing our dress? Would not the clothes of your people be more impressive?”
“Perhaps,” saith he, “Which is why I wear them not…I wish not to be glared upon by the common folk, for reasons pleasant nor ill; therefore, do I prefer to look as your people do.”
“Then are you going not with your own people? I…imagine they value not modesty the same as yourself.”
“Ah, well, yes…” he now says while stroking his chin. “Once I had noticed your absence, I wished to seek you—forgive me, in mine haste I had forgotten you are busy on your Lady's day…”
At this, I can help not but chuckle.
“You trail me like an orphaned pup.”
“Oh, forgive me, I shall leave you—”
“I do not necessarily mind; I can only ponder what one might feel in a land so far from their home,” I interrupt him. “I merely wonder what it is you see in me.”
He sighs and crosseth his arms, a look of sadness now appearing upon his face.
“Mine own people are well tired of me—and I know few others here, and none have been so obliging as yourself…”
“…That is most concerning,” I sigh, “When I have done nothing.”
“That is untrue—you have kept my company, listened to my words, and offered your comfort…is this not kindness?”
Now I gaze to his face, and both our eyes do meet…within them do I become lost with a dull ache, though I can name it not with words.
“I take it you wish me to take you into the city myself?”
“Would you?”
“I hope you know I should be a rather poor guide—I have lived not in Solzédniê for many a moon now.”
“That simply meaneth we should discover it together,” he says with a winsome grin.
“Aye, I suppose so…”
Thenceforth, he and I do make our preparations to leave, and are able to procure a simple, unassuming carriage for our travel.
Erelong, Etsuo and I arrive to the core of the golden city, as it is called—although it is a most unfitting name. Within the tranquility of my monastery did I forget the chaos which doth reign here unabated , particularly where we find ourselves presently—the market street. The streets, already otherwise narrow, feel little larger than the hallway of an estate, with the uncountable stalls set outside each and every home eating away at the edge. To my dismay, I find myself missing the castle, for even in the midst of a feast, it appeareth peaceful in light of this place; at least there, there are not vendors, hucksters, and beggars vying all for attention, the smells of foods fresh and stale, barks of dogs and squeals of pigs and the shouts of children all at once—
“Brother,” Etsuo softly says unto me, placing his hand upon my back—with this, my breath doth stop; and mine heart, which I had not even noticed was rapidly racing, thus slows…
“Y-Yes?”
“You appear pallid…”
“I am well—”
“You are not,” he emphatically says. I gaze up to him; perhaps it is well that he weareth common clothing, and is not thus representing his people—to the masses, at least—for he pouts like a child.
“How may I help you, Brother?”
“It is nothing—”
“Ah!” he exclaims, “Is it your hunger?”
I frown; all the other unpleasant sensations had made me forget this; yet now it, too, hath returned…
“I am not hungry,” I lie.
“But I heard you within the carriage.”
“…My stomach?”
“Yes!” he says, and embarrassment doth drown me as though I were swept into the sea—
Is it truly so loud?
“Here,” saith he, gripping mine hand tightly, “Let us find some fare for you—”
“Etsuo…” I sigh, exasperated, “I eat not upon Our Lady’s day; not while she lingereth in the sky.”
“Ah…” he gazeth away, a frown upon his face, “Then, I must ask—do you accept offerings?”
“For Our Lady?”
“Of course,” he grins, but with a strange air…
“Well, yes—”
“Then come!” he exclaimeth now, pulling me roughly, “Then let us find an offering for Lady Sun’s most faithful servant!”
“Etsuo!” I furiously shout, “Do you know what any of these goods even are?”
“Of course not—thus why I require your assistance!” he laugheth with the vigor of a lively, mischievous youth.
Well…at least my attention is now thoroughly diverted from all the wretched sensations.
“Oh, what are these?” he swiftly asks, coming close to one stall which, admittedly, has a most pleasing aroma wafting from it—yet unfortunately, it of course is surrounded by a great crowd…
“Those are pasties, dough filled with meat and potatoes and herbs—”
“Oh!” he exclaims, “We have similar such things, but they are not so large! Do you enjoy them?”
“It matters not how I feel,” I sigh, the pain within my core now agonizing.
“Well enough…” says he, “Then please wait here while I procure one for myself.”
With this, he releases his grip—only now have I noticed that our hands did remain thoroughly clasped this entire time…a true farce!
I gaze to the ground, attempting to disregard all around me—and soon wonder why the summer Sun upon my face now, suddenly, seems to sear me…
Soon doth Etsuo return bearing a large grin and an even larger pasty.
“Brother, may we go to some quiet corner to dine?”
At last do I sigh with relief.
Ah, now you understand it…
“We may.”
“Then lead the way!” he replieth in a manner most carefree and gay.
Thenceforth, with great haste do I lead, admittedly paying not particular mind to whether he is following me; although, in truth, with his extraordinary height, surely he may find me easily, gazing above the throng…
After a moment passes, he and I at last arrive to an obscure alleyway, so narrow it is quite dark and cool even in the height of the day. It appears to be the sort of place one may find beggars; or worse yet, robbers—yet, thus far at least, it is clear none are here but us.
“Ah, at last…” I softly say, ease now at last settling within my limbs.
“Oh…” Etsuo mutters, “I see now—you have not fondness for the city…that, then, is why you were pale?”
“Well…” I sigh as I sit upon the ground, against a stone home which is comfortably cool, “If I may be truthful…yes. The excitement can be quite…overwhelming.”
Now Etsuo doth sigh as he sits to my side, carefully ensuring his hands remain unsullied by the ground.
“Please accept mine apology, Brother…” he frowns and thus closes his eyes. “This journey was merely a selfish, thoughtless fantasy…”
“No, I would say not—I may have declined you, yet I did no such thing.”
“Perhaps,” he sighs as he splitteth his pasty in two, one half rather larger than the other.
“Yet, surely this is selfish as well…” he mutters as he gazes upon the two halves of his pasty. “I know you are meant to fast upon this day, and yet…”
“Did you still purchase this for myself?”
“Yes…I wish not to see you hunger so, but—I do suppose it is your wish…”
“Why must it concern you so deeply?” As I ask this, the sharp pain stabs into me; and with the savory smell of the pasty, now freed, the blade only grows ever more effective…
“As I have said, I did hear you; and, to be truthful…” he mutters, “I hope this soundeth not derisive, yet—forever have I questioned the wisdom of men of our age doing such things as fasting, when our bodies are no longer hale and hardy as when we were youths…”
Without thought, I release a laugh quick and piercing. “Am I truly that ancient already!
“But, please take this not ill as well—I had surely assumed you were older than myself.”
“I have sixty-two years,” he replieth. “And you?”
“Fifty-five—so my suspicion was correct.”
“I see,” he nods. “I stand still by my statement…yet, I shall force you not to do anything which is unsavory to you.”
With this, he frowns and begins to eat the smaller piece of the pasty. “If you wish, we may soon return to the manor, and linger about no longer within this city; truly, I apologize for—”
“No, no, be quiet with this,” I say with a wave of mine hand. “We need return not. And…I must admit, mine hunger today is…most insatiable, and I suppose men of my age frequently forgo fasting…”
“You would like this?” he asks, lifting the larger half of the pasty.
“Aye, if you would mind not.”
“Of course not,” he replieth with a grin most soft and gentle…
“You have, surely, a deeply strange idea of of ‘selfishness’,” I mutter before beginning to eat. Some guilt pangs at me, and I hope Our Lady would forsake me not for partaking in this meal; in this moment, it doth surely feel decadent—the savory beef, sweet onion, soft potatoes, and herbs aplenty…yet, as I devour it like some manner of wild beast, soon my mind is able to quiet, and I can thus begin to think of Our Lady at all, and not merely my predicament…
“…How is that so?” he asks after a moment; his tone, it appears, bearing some shock at mine…admittedly undignified display.
“Your ‘selfish wish' was to see to it that I am well and fed…that is awfully generous for a selfish desire.”
“If you wish to view it in this manner, that is well, I suppose…” he answers while gazing into the distance, a wistful air about him.
“Well,” I say as I finish my food, and place mine hand upon his shoulder—a gesture which doth cause him to gaze quickly upon me in startlement, “What would you wish to do now?”
As he is wont to do, I have noticed, he closeth his eyes, placing his hand upon his chin, stroking it as if he did have a beard—though, unlike myself, his face is pleasingly well-shaven.
“I know not, admittedly…once I had heard your grumbling within the carriage, I knew I did wish to remedy this; but, beyond that—”
“Had you no intentions with this excursion at all, then? Why did you seek me out so? What is the meaning of any of this, then?”
“Oh, forgive me…” he whispers with a grimace, looking to the ground below as he puts his thin hand upon his face, gripping at the cap upon his head. I expect more words, but none come.
“Only when you should explain what is happening. Why is this such an arduous inquiry…?”
“I so wished to spend time with you, and come to know you better, and inconsiderately believed it is best that you leave your cell, and enjoy yourself—not knowing nor considering that you appear to be not fond of the ways of the city, or—”
“…This all is but a ruse to spend time with me?” I ask, quite stunned
“In a manner of speaking…you did say once before, when I had arrived, that we may come to know one another; but we always remain so preoccupied with others, even in the precious moments when we attend not to our work. I did assume that, in bringing you here, I may learn about which places you find pleasing, perhaps parse and prod out what you enjoy more generally—”
“I…” I say, ”I must admit—I know not what to think of this…”
“Please forgive me—”
“Why,” I say unto him, “I do think this—it would be very well if you would cloak not all of your statements with apologies, they are not necessary. I am simply still much bewildered, is all.”
“Why so?” he softly asks, and thus gazeth to me with his warm dark eyes…
“I am quite unused to the kindness with which you have shown me.”
“But I have done nothing kind at all,” he mutters. “This benefits not you, but myself alone—”
“No; the friendship which you so graciously extend to me, the clemency which you have for me, despite mine own infinite shortcomings—it certainly doth feel quite kind to me…Sushun.”
Now his eyes do grow considerably larger, and he resseth his mouth into a straight line—yet he speaks not, remaining as silent as a still pond in winter.
“Though we are not close enough yet for more intimate terms between ourselves…in private company, I mind not using your own true name, at least.”
“Mâzjêrêne, Roland…then I hope it is not ill that I should use your own true name as well.”
“It never was,” I laugh lightly as a queer feeling doth fill my chest. My name, I must admit, sounds most pleasing from his voice, tender and mild and kissed by the Folwêšiân manner of speech…
“Then…” he says, ”What wish you to do now?”
“Why, explore the city—I think it is time we truly come to know one another.”
With this, Sushun steadily arises and thus turns, and reaches his hand out to me. From this angle, the light of Our Lady shines brightly behind him, surrounding him with a soft glow, like a holy man within a painting—
Something within me stirs—or, perhaps, more exactly, flutters like the delicate butterflies so precious to Our Lady. And thus, do we continue through the city; which now, under her light, doth feel most bright and golden after all…
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